rajy's journal ♥

mood: blah

music: in the cold-acceptance

I've been so stressed out lately. Stressed about everything possible: college, friends, work, music, my bedroom radiator, my ipod, health, christmas, birthday, my parents, mike ela, italian class, my wardrobe, my lack of self-confidence, yearbook & graduation, and 'a certain someone'.



college. It's november and I still havn't a single clue.

friends. The subject of friends/people not caring was everywhere. I'm not getting into that. No one seems to ever understand. Whateverr.

work. I have to deal with people all day. I can't do it. I was working last week on register 5. I wanted to cry. No joke. It was going so bad, I just wanted to go home.Register 5, is right under the speakers. THANK GOD. What's Left of Me by Nick Lachey came on, and it made me feel so much better. Finally, something that was familiar to me. I'm so out of place. It's terrible.

music. Acceptance broke up. It's like Jason's dead. I'll never evr hear another song by them, or see them live. All there is is 15 songs and 2 videos. i'll never see the Backstreet Boys either. Kevin's gone. It's their last record.

my bedroom radiator. I have no heat in my room. Every other room in the house does, but mine. I love the cold but nights when you can't sleep because of it is not fun.

my ipod. It resets out of nowhere. I'm worried because I've replaced everything with it. It's adding to my anti-socialness. I don't think it's healthy to replace people with an iPod.

health. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have four appointemnts with specialists in December alone. This is horrible but.. sometimes I wish one of them would say, "You have approximately 60 minutes to live. But don't worry death won't be painful."

christmas. Me and Duyen<3 are shopping this weekend. & I don't want people to spend money on me just because they have to. I know they don't like me, but think they have to. I feel kind of bad, because I'm not giving them anything this year. I don't mind people not liking me, but I hate people who don't like me but pretend to.

birthday. I don't want a single thing for my birthday. What I've been wishing for hasn't arrived. And won't ever. Everyone always says, "Oh, don't worry about it. I don't need/want anything." But I really mean it. It's on Thanksgiving this year. I think I'm working. Just great.

my parents. My mom does so much and my dad's a complete and total ass. I hate him. She goes to physical therapy twice every week, and is now on depression meds. She's been expressing some suicidal thoughts lately. All because of my lovely dad. :) You could never know how it feels to hear your mom say that.

italian class. Cobby expects so much. So many projects, reports, presentations. Presentations in a class with Mike Ela? Oh, I'm going to die. We've had 2 so far, and my way of getting out of them is not doing them at all. Here comes my F!

my wardrobe. I'm tired of it. And I can't do anything about it because I'm a tub of lard.

my lack of self-confidence. I don't believe in myself. Why would others? At this point, I don't think I'll have get any of it back.

yearbook & graduation. Not taking part in either. Everyone's putting in those candid pictures and I look like shit. Not being modest at all. I really do. I wish I could be cut out of every single one.

'a certain someone'. GRR. He makes me so angry sometimes-Tuesday was perfect. Probably the best. Thursday & Friday have definently been the worst. I don't understand youuu. & it's stupid to get stressed over it. But I'm weird and I just really can't help it.

mike ela. Another stupid one. Jesus flippin Christ. I hate myself so much sometimes.




A horrible day.
& an even worse journal entry to top it off.