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Jul. 31st, 2008

beckett

this is what i do at work.

Yea I'm at work. Outside in the garden. I don't understand why they open these registers when there's no one out here but it's packed inside. So my cousins are visiting from canada again. Yea the ones that totaly overstayed their welcome last summer. I'm at work all the time anyway so I guess it really doesn't matter. All I really wanted to do this summer was work and get a. car! So that car that I'm supposed to be getting still needs major reconstruction, it needs tire alignment and all this other bs that I don't understand.

Work is good but I heard they really cut hours during the winter. Who would come to Home Depot in the winter anyway? They say you could go from 35 hours to 8. I really like all the people I work with. There's a cutie in flooring. He's more my type than ricky martin lol but I don't like him. He's so much cuter and taller and nicer and cuter and funnier and cuter but no. Everytime I work with ricky martin I get super nervous and nauseas. I really feel like I'm going to throw up. And when he talks to me I can hardly ever say anything back. I overthink what I'm about to say that I can't get it right and don't say anything at all. He must think I'm such a creep. I have no idea why I like him. It'd be so much easier to like John in flooring lol but I guess I subconciously want to be disappointed and heartbroken.

They're transferring me from the garden to returns sooon so let the fun begin ..

Jul. 28th, 2008

beckett

not much

What's up? I'm at work right now BORED outta my mind. I'm on my lunch but I really don't eat lunch so I just chill out and watch some family guy but it's only 5 so it's not even on yet. I'm bored & I abs. LOVE this phone; so I decided to update.

Just some random stuff;
My car's coming home today (hopefully) ! Yea I am excited to get my death trap back. If Manny leaves the sox..MANNY CAN NOT LEAVE THE SOX. Just Dance by lady gaga and akon is my jam. It's a really good song-def. check it out. I really don't want to go back to school. Even though all I've done this summer is work, I really can't say it sucked. I don't want it to end. I feel like my self esteem isn't as low as it was when the summer started. I hope my confidence increased. That'd be cool, but I think I just feel that way since I don't have any presentations or socializing to stress about. I almost caught a thief at returns the other day, which was awesome. They didn't catch him but we almost did. I probably shouldn't get involved though unless I wanna get shot. It was supa exciting though. So my break is wayyy over ooops BYE!

Jul. 19th, 2008

beckett

i <3 blackberryyy

Heyyyy ! I'm updating from my new Blackberry Curve. Yea I hacked into my razr and totaly fucked it up lol I got all sorts of cool stuff on it like I got clublights and changed all the settings and then a day later it was a black screen and not much else. Oops ? Yea so this phone is killlaaa. But there's a lot of random nonsense fees. Any day now I should be getting my car! It's currently in the shop since my brother slammed it into a tree. So I'm getting that car- lol hey its a car. I can finally start driving to school. Everything's pretty good right now-i thought ricky martin hated me but he tried to trip me today, so we're good. PEACE OUT !

Jun. 13th, 2008

beckett

i'm an idiot.

I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT. So this kid from work kept asking me if my parents would ever let me date anyone who's not indian. And why could he be asking this right? Yea well this happened last Thursday and ever since then I've been super anxious to go to work. Today, I got totally crushed. I knew it could never be what I hoped it would. One of my friends at work, he's indian, he was telling me how that kid has a thing for a girl at his other job. She's indian and he wants to ask her out but doesn't know if she'd say yes. So that's why he was asking. I feel so stupid. I thought I understood by now that no one thinks twice about me. I'll never be good enough for anyone, and it's hard to realize that. So he even showed him a picture of this girl, and my friend said that she's wicked pretty. Of course she is. He was telling me this as a way of making fun of the kid, but I was not laughing. I was so upset and felt so ridiculously stupid. I'm just not meant to be happy. I feel really pathetic but I really do wish there was just somebody who actually cared. I know no one thinks twice about me. It just makes me feel really bad about myself. I really don't like crying about this over and over again. I try to hold it in, ignore it, but it really hurts. And I really wish that I had gotten the job done back in 03. I really don't feel like my life is worth living. It's really pathetic that my only way of venting is putting it in the journal. I feel trapped in this life, if that makes any sense.

Jun. 6th, 2008

beckett

semi update

We got our car today ! My brother totaled our other one, so we got a brand new Honda Accord 2008 Special Edition. I'm so excited :) I drove it everywhere today and put 20 miles on it. School's finally out. Got two C's and two A's. Never in a million years did I think I would be working at Home Depot and actually like it. I like the people I work with, especially this one kid who said that I am one of his favorites to work with. There was a whole other scenario that went along with it but, it's just one of those stories that you just have to hear-not read. It was really awkward though and I really like want to talk to someone, but I don't have anyone that I talk to about stuff anymore. Dangerous by Kardinal Offishall is the song of the summer right after Forever. Final Destination by Chris Brown is killa but it's only a leaked 1 minute clip. I hope it comes out soooon. The Sox game today was amazing. Coco beat up a couple guys. Manny and Youklis kind of fought each other. Jacoby got hurt. David's been hurt along with Daisuke. Manny's having trouble with his foot. This is traditional Red Sox. I remeber back in like 98, everyone after the All Star Game was on the DL. The list was like 5 pages long. I HATE my aunt. HATE! I've never been so frustrated with someone. I live 1 house away from Mike and I havn't seen him since highschool. I stil get this horrible like queasy feeling when he comes up. Last year, I figured if I wouldn't see or hear about him anymore then it would go away. But it's like not. The EHS graduation was today. My parents were more excited that Sunny was graduated than they were for mine. They wanted to go. wtf? They had to go to my cousin's birthday so they couldn't even bother to drop me off at the stadium, let alone go to the graduation. While everyone was graduating I was at a 5 year old's bday party watching the Sox game online. They were like, "Oh, there's a gradation today..? Who wants the slice with most frosting?!" Self-esttem is an issue that I will have always and forever. This entry has taken a turn in the opposite direction. It was intended to be a short little update. I'll end it on a happy note: Backstreet's on tour! & the Sox have won 13 straight home games! Peace out ♥



Jun. 5th, 2008

beckett

Since the last time I updated...

School and finals eneded. That means I can put over any thought of my major and classes for 3 months. I've been at work for almost 2 months now. I never in a million years thought I would be working at Home Depot, and never did I ever think I would actually like it. My brother totaled our old car, so we went without out a car for a week and a half now. It's coming tomorrow! We bought a brand new car. 0 miles. Well, actually it has like 10 miles, but it's an 07 Honda Accord, Special Edition, meaning it has 16" chrome rims and 6 disc cd changer, and 6 speakers. I'm so excited. my dad is determined to fix our '93 accord. It was a real good car, like no problem at all, in a decade and a half, but the engine is all crushed in. He said he'll get it fixed. He's basically offering me a death trap. I do miss our car though. We've had that car for as long as I can remeber and it was so sad seeing it all messed up, lol.

The past week has been really hard without a car. I hate getting picked up at work by my mother, I feel like such a little kid. They put me at the returns desk now. I HATE it there. That is the worst place to be. This one guy handed me 83 receipts and had 2 carts full of stuff. I don't understand why they put me over there. You can;t return a drill that you bought 3 years ago and doesn't work anymore. And I'm never a bitch to anyone, especially not customers. So, returns is hell for me. Today was actually horrible. I spent three hours outside in the garden. It was wet and cold, and the radio broke. It was the longest three hours of my life. It was so lonely out there. No customers, no other workers. Just me and the plants. But then they brought me in and it wasn't so bad. BTW, Mike in electrical is wicked cute. But they brought me into Returns. But no one came in for an hour, so that worked out well. Then they took me over to the regular registers. Alexis, booooo. No one likes working with her, because she's a moron. She does nothing but complain. So I'm doing my thing at the register and that kid that I was talking about in the last entry (semi cutie who trained me) was at the self-check and just kinda stood by my station for a while. So I said what and he said what and then I said what and then he said what. A couple more whats and he laughs and walks away. After the customer left, he comes back over and goes, "Can I ask you something? This is going to sound so odd..." So I'm like okaaayy, I was getting nervous. "Would your parents like mind if you were with some one who wasn't like indian.." something like that, and I was like where the hell is this coming from? lol I didn't know what to say, and it was reeeealllly awkward so I just said, "Uhhhh, I don't know.." But he kept going, and I just kept cutting him off with "I don't know". RANDOM MUCH? So then he walked back to the selfcheck, and I was like wtf? Where did that come from? So as soon as the next customer was done I was like, "Hey, we got a car?!" Just to like keep it from getting silent and awkwarder. So the night went on..and I was waiting to screw up something. Because, as soon as he shows up I'm messing something up. So usually when he leaves, he just leaves like he's the hottest shit at the HD. Today he was like, "Have a good night. You're one my favorite people to work with." Yea, compared to Alexis, I'm everyone's favorite to work with. "Are you working Saturday? Saturday night? Sunday? See you then."

May. 3rd, 2008

beckett

stressed and venting

What a day. So what's up? School and work-non stop. I never have anytime for anything. I skip classes to get sleep or to do work for other classes. I don't mind work, but everyday straight after school until 10:30 is a bit much. Today was the longest 9 hours of my life. There was no one fun there for 6 hours and I got yelled at. I didn't feel to well in the first place, and she yelled at me for the dumbest thing. Made me so angry that I wanted to cry. From then work went totally downhill.

I'm been really stressed out lately. I still have no major and try to avoid thinking about school as much as possible. I havn't even registered for classes becuase I have no clue what to pick. Well, this one kid at work is in his 3rd year at umb, so he's always talking about school and classes. When he came in today he was like, 'buddyyy you got to register-my friend registered 3 days ago and got either night classes or waitlisted.' Stressed me out even more. Now even if I actually pick classes, I won't be able to enroll. I just wanted to ignored it. But he kept saying that I had to register. So finally I was just like, 'why should I even register for classes when I have abs. no idea what I want to do? why should I even go to school next semester when I have no idea wth I'm doing?' And I walked away to take a customer. It was kind of an angry, but upset tone at the same time. Afterwards he was like, 'hey come here, buddy. you confused? need a mentor?' At that point I was really tired and stressed out and really did not want to talk about anything. He's a psychology major and works with suicidal kids and used to be a mentor for teens who needed any sort of help. I guess he was just trying to help or whatever. But I could never talk to anybody about anything that's going on with me. Especially not with a cutie at work. I can write a quarter of it here, barely, and that's about it. At that point I really wanted to cry. I was holding it in so so badly. I wasn't feeling well in the first place, I got yelled at, I was frustrated, and now school got me stressed out. It was like 7:42, but I punched out and left. As soon as I got in the car, I put my iPod on, tried not to but couldn't help but to cry. So I tried to get it out before I drove off, but it wasn't happening. So I drove away, speeding through Everett, running a stop sign and a red light unknowingly.

I am frustrated more than I could ever explain. I havn't gone a day this week without having 3 or 4 excederin or ibuprofen. Stress is taking over! It's driving me insaanne. I need a major or atleast some sort of direction. Atleast the others who are undecided have some type of goal. I feel like a big FAILURE.

Apr. 25th, 2008

beckett

love love love love love love this song

FOREVER
CHRIS BROWN ♥



it’s you, and me
movin at the speed of light into eternity
tonight, is the night
to join me in the middle of ecstasy
feel the melody and the rhythm of the music around you


ima take you there, ima take you there
so dont be scared, im right here
we can go anywhere, go anywhere
but first, its your chance
take my hand
come with me


its like i waited my whole life
for this one night
its gon be me you and the dance floor
cuz we only got one night
double you pleasure, double your fun
and dance forever


feels like were on another level
feels like our loves intertwine
we can be two rebels
breakin the rules
me and you, you and i
all you gotta do is watch me
look what i can do with my feet, baby
feel the beat inside
im drivin, you could take the front seat
just need you to trust me


its a long way down
we so high off the ground
sendin for an angel to bring me your heart
girl where did you come from?
got me so undone
gazin in your eyes got me sayin
what a beautiful lady
no ifs ands or maybes
im releasin my heart
and its feelin amazing
theres no one else that matters you love me
and i wont let you fall girl
i wont let you fall

Apr. 15th, 2008

beckett

new music <3

THURSDAY NIGHT PREGAME
THE FRIDAY NIGHT BOYS



so don't come back, don't even try
staring at your phone alone tonight
baby it's wrong, it felt so right
one last look into your eyes


one last kiss just like the movies
did you think we'd fall over again?
wait till next summer to get by without
(i guess we'll figure it out)


just take it back baby
take it back, back back tonight
you gotta turn around, turn around
walk right out the door


you don't realize, you get away from me
i don't want to see you down on your knees
just wait another second i know it's all right
i guess you're gonna get away this time
Tags: ,
beckett

update

Let's try this again. I update after a few months with a big long entry and end up deleting it. I'm going to keep this simple, short and to the point. I'm in school right now. Should be in English but I'm lounging in the Campus Center. Everyone around me is out cold, lol. So I started work. Dude, I am so overwhelmed. I was trained by this girl who was real nice on Thursday. Everything she did/said was contradicted by the guy who trained me yesterday. He was cute, but I am so confused. Today I'm going to have my own "workstation". (This is going to be a disaster.) I'm still UNDECIDED. I feel like such a failure. I'm more confused then ever, if that's even possible. And I've become wicked independent. I don't talk to anyone. It's school, home, cereal, work, home, some sort of dinner, shower, tv/bed. And in between is me and my headphones. This weekend we painted my uncle's entire house. He just bought a new home, so we painted every room in the house a different color. Fun, but I havn't had a break in 3 weeks. & This hour and fifteen minutes is the only down time I'll have until Sunday. Omg, I want to go to a Sox game so bad. I get so jealous of people who are going. I can't believe I've only been to one game. The Red Sox are a major part of Rajdeep, can you tell I don't have a life? Baseball season is added stress. I can't just like something and let that be it. I have to be be overly obsessed. I hate that about me. I love Justin Tiimberlake, but his and Madonna's 4 Minutes is GAY. I've never liked a Madonna song, I don't see the appeal. The Friday Night Boys are a good band. They're like hellogoodbye + guitars and drums. I'm in an odd hiphip and r&b phase. I listen to tpain, timbaland, and chris brown like everyday. The Used 2008 album, Lies for Liars, is awesome. Download it. I don't feel liek going to any classes today. I would've stayed home but my dad's sister is visting from New Jersey, and I didn't even know he had brothers and sisters til last week. And my mom is still recovering from her surgery, so home would be a bit chaotic. So there is one thing that's been bothering me. I try to ignore it as much as possible, but idki get like knots in my stomach everytime it comes up. 4 letters, probably the most used word on my lj, sounds like bike, lol. Idk but 'situation ela' puts me in this awkward type of vibe. I don't know why it really bothers me. I don't know why it's coming up again or what to do. Like I try to ignore it cuase what else am I supposed to do? I don't really talk to anyone and plus it's kind of dumb. I just don't know why it bother's me so much. Maybe if I ignore it, it will eventually go away. Maybe? Well, that's about it. We'll see if this entry survives until tomorrow. Not going to economics and then going to work-pray for me =)

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