rajy's journal ♥

mood: exhausted

music: forever. chros brown

What a day. So what's up? School and work-non stop. I never have anytime for anything. I skip classes to get sleep or to do work for other classes. I don't mind work, but everyday straight after school until 10:30 is a bit much. Today was the longest 9 hours of my life. There was no one fun there for 6 hours and I got yelled at. I didn't feel to well in the first place, and she yelled at me for the dumbest thing. Made me so angry that I wanted to cry. From then work went totally downhill.

I'm been really stressed out lately. I still have no major and try to avoid thinking about school as much as possible. I havn't even registered for classes becuase I have no clue what to pick. Well, this one kid at work is in his 3rd year at umb, so he's always talking about school and classes. When he came in today he was like, 'buddyyy you got to register-my friend registered 3 days ago and got either night classes or waitlisted.' Stressed me out even more. Now even if I actually pick classes, I won't be able to enroll. I just wanted to ignored it. But he kept saying that I had to register. So finally I was just like, 'why should I even register for classes when I have abs. no idea what I want to do? why should I even go to school next semester when I have no idea wth I'm doing?' And I walked away to take a customer. It was kind of an angry, but upset tone at the same time. Afterwards he was like, 'hey come here, buddy. you confused? need a mentor?' At that point I was really tired and stressed out and really did not want to talk about anything. He's a psychology major and works with suicidal kids and used to be a mentor for teens who needed any sort of help. I guess he was just trying to help or whatever. But I could never talk to anybody about anything that's going on with me. Especially not with a cutie at work. I can write a quarter of it here, barely, and that's about it. At that point I really wanted to cry. I was holding it in so so badly. I wasn't feeling well in the first place, I got yelled at, I was frustrated, and now school got me stressed out. It was like 7:42, but I punched out and left. As soon as I got in the car, I put my iPod on, tried not to but couldn't help but to cry. So I tried to get it out before I drove off, but it wasn't happening. So I drove away, speeding through Everett, running a stop sign and a red light unknowingly.

I am frustrated more than I could ever explain. I havn't gone a day this week without having 3 or 4 excederin or ibuprofen. Stress is taking over! It's driving me insaanne. I need a major or atleast some sort of direction. Atleast the others who are undecided have some type of goal. I feel like a big FAILURE.

mood: take a guess.

music: 143637acceptance<333333

What a fucking horrible day.


"Family" came over. No one told me. Becuase they knew I would be pissed. So I come home from a long day of damn CVS, and everyones cleaning, cooking, and everything in between. I promised I wouldn't let it bother me. But I couldn't help it. The whoel night sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Everyone was downstairs at 11:30-12. But I was in my room crying. Because I hate my life right now. 2007 is the year I've been dreading for so long. If 2007 is just like 2006, 2005 and ever other year, I'm not planning on 2008. That's a promise. Not going to say anything. Not going to let anyone know. No one's going to stop me. I'm just going to get it over with someday. What a great way to start the year. I've been sick all day. My stomach's killing me, even as I type. Work was bad. Home was bad. New Years was really bad.


I hope this year is different. I hope I can change mentally, more than physically. I hope I can let things go, not let every little thing bother me, have more self-esteem, get out of this depression state. I'd rather be mentally healthy whale, than a fat emotional wreck.

I hope that I get into a college. Lol. I neeeeed to. I'm only applying to 2 places, since I missed the deadline for one. One I need to go for an interview. Never in hell is that going to happen. Rejected from there. The other one, I HOPE TO GOD I get in.

More than anything though I want a true friend. I just want someone who really does care. Yes, people care about me. But that's not a 24-hr thing. That's a "ohhh, she's in the 'i hate life' phase, maybe I should act like i care by saying something nice." I just want somebody. Just one. Is that too much to ask for?






p.s. I really want this entry to be one that I read tomorrow and want to delete. By the next day some entries just sound dumb. You don't feel like that anymore. You were just posting because you were so full of emotion. I def. do not want to feel this way tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter.