rajy's journal ♥

Just so you know, I only update when something's wrong, when I'm in a bad mood. & that's why my entire journal is so negative, and marbid. I havn't updated in a while meaning eversince my last entry things have been good. & I'm updating today because my whole family is gay.



( here I go again. )



p.s.I know in a couple days, hours, or even minutes, I'll be over it. I'll end up deleting it. But right now, it helped.

I've been so stressed out lately. Stressed about everything possible: college, friends, work, music, my bedroom radiator, my ipod, health, christmas, birthday, my parents, mike ela, italian class, my wardrobe, my lack of self-confidence, yearbook & graduation, and 'a certain someone'.



( we're still so young desperate for attention )




A horrible day.
& an even worse journal entry to top it off.

Acceptance broke up.



Jason left. Yea, Jason, the lead singer, my favorite one, the one who made the band what it is, left. Amazingly, this is worse than Kevin leaving the Backstreet Boys. It's 3000x worse.


They have a new demo up that was supposed to be on the new cd. But Jason's gone. That song won't make it on there. It's such a good song. I heard it before I knew they broke up. & I was excited knowing that they were recording more and it was coming out awesome, too. Aw, their new stuff would've been so good.


I know you don't care. You think I'm getting upset over nothing. Music is so important to me. This is going to sound stupid but.. Most of the time, I feel like no one wants to talk or listen to me, so I try not to get in people's ways and I just don't say anything. That's where music comes in.



The rest of the band moved to California. & Jason's no longer doing the music thing as far as anyone knows. They would've been huge. Jason's way too good to not be in music anymore.




^{© ©}
didn't I think you thought we were gone,
we were gone and on and on.
didn't you say that we don't belong.
didn't I think you thought we were wrong,
we were wrong and on and on.
didn't I hear you singin' along,
I told you the first time: trouble's on its way.

I'm exhausted. I've been up and runnin since 7am. It's 10:30 and my day's finally over. Dead tired. So school was okay besides, "Aww, why didn't you dress up?!" Jesus, because I'm me and I don't want unnecessary attention. I'd be too worried about how dumb I look anyway.


So I was turning the corner and almost crashed into someone. Scared the shit out of me, ecspecially because they went, "RAJDEEEP!!!" And we all now by now who always says that. Yup. My day pretty much stunk aside from those 2 second pathetic moments I had with him. & Of course you'll hear about allll four. 8) (If you don't want to know or just don't care stop reading from this point on.)

1. We were walking, and just happened to be by his locker, and he says, "RAJDEEEEP!" and hit my shoulder/arm.
2. The hallway thing mentioned above.
3. So I'm walking after fifth period, and he's halfway down the hall, and he was talking to someone. I definitely heard him say my name. And so he goes, "Rajdeep, hi-five!" Oh, I hi-fived him. Next thing you hear him say, "OWWWWW, MY ELBOW!". Yes, I, Rajdeep NMN Kaur, can't even give a proper hi-five. Lol. So I guess he won't be asking for anymore of those unless he has elbow pads on.
4. He said hi after school and I held the door open for him.



Yea, I feel like an idiot. He does this to everyone he knows. I feel like an ass for making it seem like more than it really is. It's absolutely nothing. I'm way too tired to type anymore. All I can hear right now is the little cash register ding.

I was having a terrible morning. I changed my outfit 7 1/2 times. I hate days when I have abs. nothing to wear. Gay part is I ended up wearing the first thing I had on. So my pants were unhemmed, and I got them about a week ago but hadn't gotten the chance to get them fixed. I wore them anyway. Bad idea. It was raining. They were way too long. About 5 inches too much. & I left my house at 7:43. Not good.


(For the short version, skip to the bold.) I walk past the Ferry/Broadway intersection and am a little past that brazilian hair place where expressions used to be. I had to stop to fix those pants. I was pissed. Morning was not going well. And, to top it off, I got my hair trimmed yesteday, and they trimmed it too short. My bangs are too short and I abs. hate them. The shorter the hair, the more it frizzes. So it's raining and my hair is the frizziest it has ever been. So, I fix my pants and start walking again. I'm listening to my iPod (acceptance<3) and I hear someone's voice. At this point I was having a horrible morning that every little thing would piss me off. I'm thinking to myself, "Jeeeez, how loud are you that I can hear you through my ipod?! GRRRR!" I turn around and it's you know who. Yea. Apparently he was saying, "RAJDEEEEEP. Good morning!" So we talk for about 2 minutes. Then for the rest of the way neither of us said anything. 9 minutes of just buses, cars, rain, and acceptance<3. I tried to ask him who won the playoff game last night and he goes, "Huh? What? oh, soccer?" Lol. I listened to my music, he listened to the radio, and we walked merrily down the street.



The rest of my day was blahh. Me, Jackie, and Scuzz did some madddd reminiscing. Eigth grade was awesome. That was the year before everything turned sour. Had a best friend, didn't care what people thought of me, no mike, no drama, tons of self-confidence. I always have the best conversations with Jackie. And, Dr.Boy's out for the year. They're looking for a new teacher for physics. There goes my A+. Hope he's okay though; he was a nice guy. Boring, but nice.



Work tomorrow. Ugh. HATE IT. Shoot me in the facciiioooo. Jeffffy won Project Runway. Love him, but I liked Uli's too. Hated Laura's. The Mets are out =(. I love my new ringtones: Justin, Panic!, Acceptance, The Used, Law&Order. Too bad no one calls me. Call just so I can hear it ring. =]

Everything's going wrong.


I hate life. I hate school. I hate everyone around me. I hate everything. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT.

Don't ask what happened.



Not going to college. Working at CVS for life. Never going to get married and have kids. Being alone forever won't be so bad.





&
that's just like him
to wander off in the evergreen park slowly
searching for any sign of the ones he used to love
he says he’s got nothing left to live for
and this time i think you'll know ..

Don't bother reading. Just complaints, obvious facts, dumb statements and everything in between.

Some people are reallyyy dumb. Had a bad, stressful, tiring day bt in a good mood. Not looking forward to becoming a member of the CVS crew. Adam, the manager, is hotttt stuff. HOT STUFF. Training tomorrow. Today's Law&Order night. Stabler rocks my socks. I love my creepy foreigners (sp?): Natasha and Duyen. My iPod and my phone died today. Heather shows me a picture of Mike, I state, "Mike's wicked cute." Heather replies with, "Mike's a f***ing asshole-Get over it!" in her bitch tone and angry Heather face. I want to punch her in the face. Nicky Carter gets cuter by the day. I want to marry him. He doesn't believe in marriage. I'm so un-Indian that my parents don't even consider me Indian. Ew, I don't want to be American. I don't understand you. I love random entries. I've been listening to 'You're Not Alone'<33333333333 non-stop. Went to my cousin's in Avon on Saturday. Spent the whole day there. Talk talk talk talk talk talk. I fell asleep, with Saosin<3333333333 on repeat. Cute Brazillian guy next door is the nicest person alive. YANKEES ARE OUT! There is one person I just cannot stand for unknown reasons. Lol, they're wicked nice to me, but I don't like them. Maybe it's jealousy. I want my own record company badly. I wish it'd be successful though. I don't have to become filthy rich; just good music. Channing Somethingoranother is not hot. What kind of name is Channing? Then again, what kind of name is Rajdeep? Extended homeroom tomorrow. I wish I was in someone's homeroom.

Nick Carter is adorable. Josh Hartnett makes me cry; He's just so unbelievabley beautiful in Pearl Harbor. His character def. adds to his cute innosence. There isn't one person I'm not jealous of. "They call me Candle Man, because I'm on fire." Wow, T.I. has some great lyrics. I wish my Daddy would go far far away. Kiss108 is playing the crap out of Far Away by Nickelback. Savin Me is 2347625987345967356983456793845893759235983x better and they didn't play it much. Gayyyy. Everyone's getting into Panic! now. But when I was ranting and raving about them a year ago everyone just dismissed me. It makes me sad, patheticly, to know that there are songs out there that I havn't heard yet that I absolutely love. My wardrobe is total hobo. No wonder why no one talks to me, lol, I dress like I'm poor. Shallow people should have some sense knocked into them. I wish my Mommy was okay. The stress, physical and mental pain are shaving off years of her life, and that saddens me. All I want for Christmas is a smidgen of hope. Sunny's mom can't make pasta very well. Nick Carter is perfect. Still havn't passed my Italian project in. Senioritis. No jeans, sweatpants, flip-flops at work. I might just have to quit. My phone won't turn on. I've been so energyless and tired lately. I want to do something fun with someone for a change. So tired of having no one to share the fun with. I look horrible in all yearbook pictures. I'm not even trying to be humble or anything. I really do look like crap. I take bad pictures. Well, that and I don't look good as it is. There is one picture that I don't mind. I actually really like it. Probably because it was taken last week. One more thing: Nick Carter is gorgeoussss.




&
she's just like him
spoiled rotten, confused by the lies she's been fed
she's searching for no one but herself
her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy
and this time i think you'll know ..

Ohhhh what a day. So i started to update earlier but I went out at around 6. I couldn't finish it. I just finished homework, Project Runway, shower, dinner, and everything else. I was in such a good mood earlier. Someone that I hadn't seen in like 2 weeks, finally talked to me. But only because we purposely went into his homeroom just so I could see him. Anyways, I was having a really really good day even though physically I felt the worst. Maddddd congested.

That all changed. After going to the high school to help out for the "Know Your School Better Night", I got so stressed out. College. I am not going to make it through this year. It's three weeks into school, and I can't take it anymore. Everyone knows what they're doing, where they're going, and how they plan to do it. I've got nothing. I'm so lost. I should be trying to work something out instead of, "Yay, he talked to me today!" or "Ugh, Mike hates me. I suck at life."

Everyone around me has got everything figured out, and is so much smarter than me. I feel totally out of place. I just need some guidance. I need help. This is bad but, sometimes I wish I had just gone through with my suicide 2 years ago.

I hate life.



we'll see if i start coming clean
you'll see that i'm stll missing..
j.vena<3333333

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'm not going to even say it anymore. I've said it enough.





now all those feelings,
those yesterday's feelings will all be lost in time.
but today i’ve wasted away, for today is on my mind.
today is on my mind.
now i can't care to worry,
i’m feeling so lonely,
breaking apart all this love in my heart.
<3333333

I hate school. I really really really did not want Mike in any of my classes, escpecially English. & guess what? He's in Physics, Italian, and English. Ickkkkkkkk. I'm always worried about what he thinks of me, so that's why I don't want to be in the same room with him. But Duyen's in 3 of my classes, Amanda and Heather are in one. & Francesca's in Italian with me. Everything else's fine, I just don't want to be in with Mike. Anyways, I was headed to the 3rd floor and on the stairs someone goes, "RAJDEEEEP!" & the second I heard it I obviously know who it is; I didn't even see him there though, so it's cool that he saw me. I felt especially ugly today. Nothing was working this morning, I felt horrible, and it was rainy so my hair kind of frizzed. Maybe that's why. But the second I stepped into the school I felt discusting. I was having an ugly day. & I looked a bit homeless. Lol. My hair poofy, old blue jeans, faded american eagle hoodie and white shirt, and addidas sandals with white socks. I think I got fatter, too. I'm just complaining today, don't mind me. Don't feel the need to say, "aww Rajdeep, you looked fine.." I'll get over it. My day didn't totally suck though. The kid I like noticed me before I noticed him. I love it when he does that. Score! Oh and speaking of "score", Jackie’s birthday’s in two days & I know what I want to get her, but they don’t sell it anymore, or I just can’t find it. It’s an inside joke, but it’s something she wants, too. I have math with Jackie. Math + Jackie = one funny class period. Jackie goes, "RAJY! Did you see who was in there? Elfy! Omg, Shoot me in the faccioooo." Yes Elfy’s our nickname for someone (starts with an f and ends with a nell). She’s annoying, end of story. Well, that’s enough complaining for this hour. Oh just wait until tomorrow; I’m going to be a complaining machine.